When I think back on my life I have tried so hard to think when this depression first came on and I really can't. I had many things going on in my life such as childhood abuse, school changes (This was so hard for me) High school and chronic pain.
I know that back when I was a teenager I was deeply depressed and stayed that way until around my 30's when I had gone to see several therapist and was tested on many Antidepressants. It wasn't until I went on Wellbutrin XL x 150mg that I really started to see things differently. I was on it for 5 yrs with limited side effects and it was easy to come off. I felt a little bit more normal and I went to various therapists and started to sort out my life and try to get over things that really had broken me.
When I turned 35 the Wellbutrin started to give me anxiety attacks so I had to come off it. It felt almost like a panic attack/ hypoglycemic mixed as one. I still have not figured out why it was doing that and it really sucks since I seem to get depression every 3 months like clock work. In the winter it lasts a lot longer.
I have had my fair share of Endometriosis Hormonal meds such as Lupron, Visanne and Marvelon. The only one that works for me is the Marvelon. Strange since it really doesn't seem to work for most Endo sufferers.
I found that the pain mixed with these hormonal meds really messed up my brain for a good 3 yrs. I have promised myself I will no longer be a guinea pig. If the pill stops working I will just have to suffer through it. I did it for 14 yrs can't see why I couldn't again.
Depression really sucks and for the most part I can feel it creeping up on me like this dark cloud that wants to wrap me in darkness and take me away. It is really scary. I find that if I post and think positive things its like a repellent, however if I post and think negative things that have to do with depression I bring myself to this place all by myself. I feel sad most of the time and it is really hard for me to find happiness in anything. I want to, but I don't think that I have ever been happy a day in my life. Its like that emotion doesn't exist for me.
Chronic pain has totally changed who I am and I think a lot of my depression now is the suffering for over 2 decades from not only Endo but Fibro, TMJ, Chronic Fatigue and various other problems. How can someone really be happy when they suffer like this? I feel like I am a good person but I seem to attract people that bring me down on a constant basis. I don't know how this happens and I want it to stop. Its like I am a magnet to anyone with problems and I don't mean Endo problems that want to pull me down to where they are and I want to help them but in the end I need to help myself and I always put other peoples feelings first and I care too much what people think.
So for me I think I bring myself to Depression because I think negative. I am a black and white thinker and I expect the worst to happen. If I don't worry then things work out and if I don't bad things happen. I guess for me its control. I can't seem to control anything else around me or my own body so this is what I do.
How do you stop such bad habit that has been formed?
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